A Day Dissociated

This is a dark poem…a friend’s day documented

5:24 am

Early morning awakenings

To pain filled movement,

lead to a morning desire to nap through

counseling conversations.

Plans for death occur as voices intercede.

Concentration is difficult

and seems useless.

What is worth surviving for?

Why don’t we give up?

Tommy will end it for us someday, anyway.

 

8:00 am

Three years of stitching life back together

While my head spins

and untangles the threads and their commonalities

So many mistakes to face

and resolve

Three years has been a LONG  night.

I am tired.

 

8:40 am

The square circle holds a battleground

Where war rages between what is and what was

The fight ensues between two the same, yet different

The jabs come in sleep eluded intervals,

Leaving us exhausted from the pursuit.

Pain carried deep within, shows up in a blood stained cut.

The wound gapes open exposing the soul,

The gatekeeper battles while wrath combats with fear

Others join from the ringside and its difficult to make sense of it all

Who will ring the bell?

 

9:52 am

Slipping our hand into the right pocket,

we find strength there.

A trip to the store yesterday

Brought Tommy what he needed.

He brings a reassurance that an end can come

and release us

from haunting remembrances comforting us

and bringing solace.

Relief is found in the touch of steel cut edges.

We envision the sharpness that slides  across our skin.

bringing death to us all.

 

11:55 am

“Control is a hopeless wish”

Our body craves sleep,

yet it doesn’t come.

Seven years to release

And know that those sharing

this body with me want to tell all,

but are afraid

and might run away.

Fear warns us not to let anyone else out.

 

2:13 pm

To feel the soft fur under the palm of my hand

brings tranquil thoughts

and

a longing to be

a little girl who knows

what it is like to swing

freely and in peace.

 

7:13 pm

Enmeshed together

the day comes

to a point of

binging and purging

cutting and carving

wishing and destroying

all the hurts within

with drops of “bad” blood.

 

9.30 pm

New meetings

“Little One” cries harder than usual,

Fear of what is to come, surrounds us.

Longings to be with

those who comfort and extend their hand

pulls an aching from inside.

Saying goodbye is sad and hard.

 

10:23 pm

Bring me to a drug induced sleep

to keep the dreams,

the snakes, the spiders

and all the body remembrances

at bay.

 

11:00 pm

Chloral hydrate helps me sleep

but it’s not safe.

Not hearing from the one who

is suppose to nurture and protect

heightens the loneliness.

Little One, please stop crying.

 

You Aren’t Forgotten

IMG_NEW

 

A boardwalk kiss sealed a love to endure

Two walked ahead holding a path secure

Too new to be taken away

From a life, a forever stay.

 

Seven years of longing and want for what was meant to be

Lonely nights and prayers for no one else to see.

A voice not forgotten or ever felt in taunt

Only a whisper that let her know, he heard her want.

 

Her words written, released a lonely fear

Knowing he lingered, waiting near.

Her hand held now by the one who knows

How her heart held on until the moment chose.

 

A boardwalk kiss sealed the love that endured

Two walk ahead together, love freed and insured.

 

There are people who come into your life and leave a mark that can never be taken away.  Katherine was a such a person.  The day she walked up to my door and presented me with a plate of brownies (14 years ago) and quickly left was a beginning of something that I had no idea would impact me the way it had.

Katherine has been gone nearly 7 years now.  I talked to her about an hour before she met her last day here on earth.  That day I walked into her house and saw her work badge and mail of the day laying on the table, knowing it would never be touched by her again was a day, I’ll not forget.  Of course, walking by that table without anyone touching it for over 6 months is a bigger mark yet.  On a day, when I finally took it upon myself to start closing up her house, I began to know her even better.

The photo is Katherine’s and Scott’s wedding day.  I wasn’t there for the wedding, but she told me about it many times.  Her love for Scott filled a room and overflowed when she talked about him.  Her grief for him, filled the entire world outside their home.  I didn’t ever get to know Scott.  He had passed away several years before I met Katherine.  He was in his 30’s and died of cancer. Their story was in their house, portrayed in so many ways.  They will not be forgotten.

The Ruler

The edge keeps me from falling off the line
I can’t cross over it
It isn’t allowed, it isn’t in the defined
“No” is simple and direct
In most situations it can easily protect
I found places where that isn’t true
A place where no’s aren’t allowed for me to pursue.
I can’t bear this haunting pain
My mind runs rampid, no sleep can I gain
A memory, within my thoughts arose
Shaving cream on the end of my nose

This Room

Room 216
If only the walls could talk
Oh what stories about me they would tell
They would be witness to my own secret hell
I cry and noone seems to hear
Why can’t I just disappear?
Safety is never close at hand
Anxiousness and disgust…
fall with each grain of sand